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Hayden Panettiere is opening up about what she calls the most painful decision she’s ever made as a mother.
In her memoir, “This Is Me: A Reckoning,” the “Nashville” alum opens up about why she gave full custody of her daughter, Kaya, to her ex-fiancé, Wladimir Klitschko. Panettiere reveals that her 11-year-old daughter has lived with her father since 2018.
“I just knew that if I wanted to … I knew how bad a place I was in,” the actress told Fox News Digital. “I hid it from my daughter as much as I could.”
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Hayden Panettiere is opening up about the heartbreaking decision that led to daughter Kaya living with ex-fiancé Wladimir Klitschko since 2018. (Storm Santos)
“When I saw her in the environment over there (in Europe) and the support system that she had, I said to myself, ‘If I fight, if I go to war about this, it’s going to permanently damage my child. It’s going to be incredibly public. She’s got two very famous parents, and it’s going to be ugly.'”
“I said, ‘You know what? Let her grow up here,'” she said. “I will travel here as much as I can. I know she’s safe. I know she’s well taken care of — beyond well taken care of. She has an incredible life. And I also knew that there would be a day when she would come back to me.”
“This Is Me: A Reckoning” by Hayden Panettiere is out now. (Grand Central Publishing)
“I tried to numb myself,” the 36-year-old admitted. “It was very hard to wrap my mind around the pain, the emotional pain of that. But you keep putting one foot in front of the other somehow.”
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In the book, Panettiere wrote that not being under the same roof as Kaya has been “the most gut-wrenching experience of my life.”
“… I grieve that I’m not the mother I thought I’d be and definitely not the mother I want to be (trust me, no one should ever have to raise a child on FaceTime), and although I miss Kaya so much, my heart aches, I know how blessed I am to be her mom.”
Hayden Panettiere told Fox News Digital she hopes sharing her story will help mothers battling postpartum depression feel less alone. (Bernd Thissen/Picture Alliance via Getty Images)
Panettiere reflected on filming “Nashville” while navigating a difficult pregnancy, which was ultimately written into her character Juliette Barnes’ storyline.
On the set of “Nashville,” art imitated life for Hayden Panettiere in ways she never expected. (Mark Levine/Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty Images)
Panettiere’s pregnancy was marked by a series of frightening health scares. She described how doctors spotted concerning abnormalities during prenatal scans and warned that Kaya might have microcephaly. The actress sought solace in Hawaii, a place she has long considered a refuge.
While she was there, Klitschko shared a Ukrainian tradition for good luck, urging her to kneel before a tree, hold onto it and “thank God for everything He has given you and pray for what you need.”
Hayden Panettiere is seen here in Hawaii shortly before her daughter was born. (Courtesy of Hayden Panettiere)
Weeks later, Panettiere endured a life-threatening delivery. During her C-section, doctors called a “code crimson” after her blood wouldn’t clot and her uterus became infected. She underwent three hours of emergency surgery.
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Hayden Panettiere is seen with her growing baby bump. She gave birth on Dec. 9, 2014. (Courtesy of Hayden Panettiere)
“I almost passed away while having my daughter,” Panettiere told Fox News Digital. “I had seven blood transfusions. I didn’t know if I was going to make it.”
During her recovery, Panettiere struggled to bond with her daughter.
Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko met at a party for a mutual friend in 2008. (Courtesy of Hayden Panettiere)
“You hear these stories from your friends about their experiences, and they’re so positive,” she said. “They also tell you about ‘the baby blues.’ At first, I thought, ‘I just have the baby blues.’ But it just kept going and going, deeper and deeper, worse and worse. And the doctors wouldn’t even diagnose me with anything. My way of trying to cope with it was drinking because of the anxiety and the inability to sleep.”
In her new memoir, Hayden Panettiere detailed the struggles she endured with postpartum depression. (Storm Santos)
“You are just discontent and unhappy all the time,” Panettiere said. “You just feel like it’s really dark. It doesn’t make rational sense. It’s not logical. And yet, you’re trying to make sense of it. But when it’s going on for 10 months afterward, you’re like, there’s something seriously wrong.”
In the memoir, Panettiere recalled enduring “long days of nothingness stretching before me” as anxiety took over, becoming “the hulking monster that sits in your chest and erases your confidence and motivation.” Despite having “everything I’ve ever wanted,” she remained deeply “unhappy.”
Wladimir Klitschko and Hayden Panettiere attend the Giorgio Armani show during Milan Menswear Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2014 on June 25, 2013, in Milan, Italy. (Venturelli/WireImage)
She self-medicated with alcohol. The actress entered treatment for the first time when Kaya was 4 months old after realizing her drinking had spiraled out of control.
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When Kaya was 4 months old, Hayden Panettiere sought treatment and was diagnosed with postpartum depression. She says the medications she was prescribed left her feeling numb and disconnected. (Storm Santos)
“When you wake up in the morning and the first thing you’re thinking about is having a drink, it’s a problem,” Panettiere said.
Panettiere realized she needed treatment.
Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko ended their relationship for good in 2018. (Jemal Countess/Getty Images)
“I just knew that I had to get help, do it for myself. I knew I was no good in the condition that I was in. I did everything that I could, and I came out sober, but I was still struggling with postpartum. But I was the one who asked to go to treatment.”
“I walked into rehab addicted to one substance, and I walked out, completely dependent on something else,” Hayden Panettiere wrote in her memoir. (Martin Rose/Bongarts/Getty Images)
Panettiere said she reached a breaking point and realized she needed professional help after alcohol became her way of coping with persistent postpartum depression following childbirth.
“I talked to my daughter’s father about it, and I was like, ‘I need help, professional help. I need somebody to fix me because this depression for the rest of my … is it ever going to go away? Is this the new normal? Am I going to have to just understand that I’m going to always be depressed for the rest of my life?’ So when I went to treatment, it was me going, ‘I’m at my breaking point. I need intervention. I need professionals. I need somebody to guide me through this.'”
Hayden Panettiere began her first regular acting role at age 4 in “One Life to Live.” (Ron Galella/Getty Images; Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images)
In the book, Panettiere wrote that in 2015, the anxiety “crept back in, then overtook me,” buzzing “like a fluorescent light, keeping me reactive, on edge and full of dread.” She became reliant on prescription medication to help her cope.
Hayden Panettiere starred in the television series “Nashville” for six seasons from 2012 to 2018. (Courtesy of Hayden Panettiere)
As Panettiere continued battling addiction and mental health challenges, her relationship with Klitschko unraveled. In 2018, he presented her with papers seeking full custody of Kaya, telling her, “I want full custody. I worry about Kaya when she’s with you.”
Panettiere defended herself, insisting their daughter was always surrounded by loving caregivers and that she had “never been drunk and alone with Kaya” while she was in her care. Even so, she ultimately chose not to contest the custody arrangement, writing that she believed it was the best decision for Kaya while she worked to rebuild her life.
Panettiere wrote that much of her character’s story in season four of “Nashville” was based on her own personal struggles. (Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images)
“I was mortified when I saw stories like ‘Hayden Panettiere gave up her daughter,'” she said.
Hayden Panettiere is pushing back against claims she “gave up” her daughter. (Storm Santos)
“I was heartbroken. It’s not like I live for other people’s opinions of me, but I’m also a human being. Everyone wants to be understood. And I had to tell myself every day that she’s in an amazing environment. She’s learning different languages. She’s passionate about horseback riding. She has friends, she has a great support system.”
“I felt like I made the right call,” she reflected. “I’ve seen who she is and she’s an incredible human being. Something must have gone right.”
Panettiere recalled realizing she needed to seek help for her addiction when she found herself searching for alcohol at 6:00 AM. (Raymond Hall/GC Images)
Panettiere wrote that she has an “incredibly strong” bond with Kaya.
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Hayden Panettiere describes her relationship with ex-fiancé Wladimir Klitschko today as “kind.” (Luca Teuchmann/Getty Images)
“I travel a lot to Europe, and I spend a lot of time on FaceTime with her,” she explained. “And Wlad and I have a good relationship. We made a promise to each other that we would never say a bad word about each other to our child. That was something that I grew up with. And we’ve stuck to that.”
“She’s 11 now, so time is flying,” Panettiere said. “I feel like she’s becoming more and more curious about me, my life and who I am. We’re so similar. She is me. I understand her in a way that nobody else can.”
Hayden Panettiere discusses “Nashville” with the Build Series at AOL HQ on Jan. 5, 2017, in New York City. (Roy Rochlin/FilmMagic)
Today, Panettiere said she’s doing “great” and hopes sharing her story will encourage other mothers suffering in silence to seek help.
Hayden Panettiere told Fox News Digital she’s doing “great” and has a close bond with her daughter Kaya. (Michael Buckner/Variety via Getty Images)
“I feel connected to myself,” she said. “I feel like I’m taking good care of myself, checking in with myself. And I have a laundry list of things I would love to accomplish and create. I feel more connected with myself than I ever have before.”